Which month is ideal to begin a mediation?

Or Why isn’t this month ideal for family mediation with a child?

While family mediation could involve a co-parenting, or a separation or divorce situation, a property dispute within a family, or a business management dispute between a couple, or any other possible family scenario, this piece of writing primarily focuses on the role of parents and children who could have direct involvement in mediation.

You and I, we all understand that choosing the right time for any mediation is crucial.

For family mediation, especially when a child is involved, it adds an additional layer of responsibility on the mediator, as well as upon the parents, to ensure the timing of mediation, given its long-lasting impact on the child’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

In this piece of writing, among various worldly celebrations and reasons, I’ve chosen a few to illustrate and differentiate between scenarios that could arise naturally, or be preferred by one or both parents, or be implied by a factor beyond the control of the parents and the mediator, in making any decisions around the timing of a mediation session—

These could also serve as general reminders towards the importance of timing of the Mediation!

Natural Reasons 

One of the most common natural reasons is when a child’s birthday falls in the same (a particular) month.

Other natural reasons include certain religious ceremonies that occur in specific months, determined by important dates in a child’s life calculated according to the child’s birthdate.

An example from a Hindu family is the ceremony of ‘Upanayanam,’ also known as Janeu Sanskar. This ceremonial rite is performed when a young Brahmin boy, aged between 5 to 13 years, is initiated with a sacred thread. This ceremony marks the commencement of formal study into Indian Vedic education for the boy, making it a very important day in the child’s life.

Another example is the ceremony of ‘Annaprashan,’ performed when an infant consumes the first solid food other than breastfed milk, symbolizing the commencement of the baby’s nutritional journey provided by Mother Earth for the rest of life.

Among others, these ceremonies hold an important landmark position in a child’s life, and unless one of the parents is deceased, it is considered absolutely necessary for both parents, grandparents, and their extended families to be present to grace the occasion. These ceremonies not only hold ancient Indian traditional value-based attachments but also deep emotional sentiments. 

Given that India is a land of diverse cultures and traditions, listing all the important ceremonies from every religion and custom is challenging. For the sake of conveying the underlying emotion in this writing, I seek your understanding as I offer a brief insight by mentioning two ceremonies of my choice as examples: ‘Annaprashan’ and ‘Upanayanam.’

I will fail to compare if attempted…, but if I could compare one ceremony that is universal to display the importance of these abovementioned Indian ceremonies in a child’s life, then the universal ceremony could be a baby’s first birthday!?

Well, it doesn’t stop at the first birthday, does it? There are numerous other landmark dates, each calling for essential ceremonies, foundationally decided upon the child’s birth date—such as the first day of school, the inaugural doctor visit, and all the other ‘firsts,’ perhaps.

Another natural reason is when a child is physically ill. We would also like to note that both parents will or might be equally impacted by the child’s physical illness, but whoever among both the parents has physical custody of the child during this difficult period bears a certain additional layer of physical stress in addition to mental and emotional stress.

….proceeding further from natural to what could be implied….

Implied Reasons

It seems that of all the months, March, in particular, presents an implied reason for avoiding family mediation, especially when dealing with children between 4-15 years.

Traditionally, or semi-traditionally, which means after the British introduced the modern school system in India, distinct from the Indian traditional Gurukuls, the academic year has extended from June to March, with April and May designated as summer vacations for all schools. Presently, most state boards, and perhaps a few central board schools, adhere around this academic calendar.

At least from what I remember from my childhood, March is the month of tension in every household. Fewer children play in the garden, and all family members in the household are instructed to speak less, keep the TV volume as low as possible, and, more importantly, maintain serious faces to create a serious environment.

Why all this? For the month of March is the final examination month!

No matter how you performed or behaved throughout the academic year—regardless of the number of class tests failed or projects submitted late—failing this final examination means one thing: you are set back for an entire year. The consequence is a repeated year in the same class, with no promotion to the next grade if the child doesn’t meet the standard passing marks in this crucial final examination. This results in the loss of a whole year in the child’s educational journey. For a middle-class family, the added concern might be, ‘Another year of school fees? Probably not!’

Preferred Reasons 

In addition to natural and implied reasons, there are also preferred reasons that may lead a couple to pause or delay family mediation. One significant preferred reason could be the unfortunate event of a death in the family, such as the passing of a grandparent or another family member closely connected to the child.

Dealing with the aftermath of such a loss requires time for grieving and family support, making it essential for the couple to prioritise their emotional well-being before engaging in the mediation process.

Another possible preferred reason is the anticipation of a special vacation trip. Families often plan vacations well in advance, and the excitement and preparation leading up to the trip may not preferably be helpful to the focused and thoughtful discussions required during mediation.

An upcoming school outreach program for the child is another circumstance that might prompt a delay in mediation, as the preference is on ensuring the child’s participation and enjoyment of such educational experiences could be a priority for both parents.

Private or Court-Annexed Mediations!

Regardless of the stage of mediation, these days and months (timing) must (shall) be carefully considered by the mediator when designing the timetable for mediation sessions.

In the case of mediation commencing under the order of family courts, one can only hope that the child’s parents’ advocates or divorce lawyers have taken into account these important dates and months before filing for the divorce petition.

In private mediations, it is easier to navigate landmark dates and months because control lies in the hands of the child’s parents themselves.

Depending on the situation and the behavioral pattern of the child’s parents (or the family in entirety), it would be comment or analyze which—private mediation or court-annexed mediation—would suit the family, as private mediation demands much more self-awareness and consciousness to think of all beyond oneself, which is tremendously difficult for a person in the midst of a personal conflict situation.

My concluding remarks

I cannot conclude without mentioning my experience with a family’s decision to enrol the child in a boarding school, providing the child with residence in the school’s hostel to shield them from the challenges their parents’ situation would bring.

In another instance, a family was fortunate to have healthy grandparents who willingly took care of the child while the parents resolved their situation.

(I think) The true impact of both these situations on the child will only become evident in the later teens, mid-20s, or even 30s or at some point of time in life.

The precautions a mediator takes while navigating these situations (I believe) depends upon individual mediation and the preferences of the involved parents in such mediation. Hence, I leave this piece of writing to it.

As part of this conversational exploration, you are invited to share your personal stories, challenges, or successes related to family mediation when a child is involved.

Whether you are a parent, a child, a mediator, or someone who has witnessed the impact of mediation on a family, your perspective will be valuable.

Prompting Questions:

1. Parents: If you have gone through family mediation, could you write about the factors that influenced your decision on timing. Was there a specific event or tradition that played a crucial role in shaping your mediation journey?

2. Children: If you are a child or have experienced family mediation as a child, what were your thoughts and feelings during that time? How did the process impact you, and are there moments that stand out in your memory?

3. Mediators: As a mediator, do you have any memorable cases where the timing of mediation sessions played a significant role? How do you navigate cultural or academic considerations when working with families?

4. Divorce Lawyers/ Advocates: From a legal perspective, what challenges do families often face regarding the timing of family mediation or filing of a divorce petition? Are there specific legal aspects that should be considered in different situations?

Feel free to share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. Your stories could offer comfort, insights, or guidance to others in the human community. Your privacy is important, and you can choose to share anonymously if you prefer.

To contribute, simply leave a comment below or send an email, or use LinkedIn Inbox.